Read time: 12mins
There are many conflicting descriptions out there of what constitutes an introvert.
The difference between an introvert and an extrovert all boils down to where they get their energy from.
Simply put, an introvert is someone who gets their energy from alone time and calm, minimally stimulating environments. An extrovert, on the other hand, gains energy from being around others and from highly stimulating environments. The easiest way to describe it is:
An introvert wakes up in the morning and has 5 coins. Each coin is a unit of energy. Every time they interact with a person, they spend a coin. By the end of the day, an introvert has no coins left. All of their energy has gone. They replenish their energy through spending time alone in the evening, or while sleeping.
An extrovert is the exact opposite of this. They wake up in the morning with no coins. This is when their energy is at its lowest. However, they gain a coin each time they interact with someone throughout the day.
So at the end of a busy day full of social interaction, they are full of energy and have a full 5 coins. They lose these coins when they go home to sleep and have to start again the next day.
So why does this happen?
This is largely because introverted and extroverted brains respond differently to dopamine hits. It’s the way you were born, and there’s not a whole lot you can do about that.
What about being ambiverts?
I strongly believe that there is no such thing as an ambivert. It’s a misconception that boils down to a misunderstanding of what it means to be introverted or extroverted.
Introverted doesn’t mean quiet, and extroverted doesn’t mean loud.
It’s not about your character, it’s all about how your brain recharges itself. You gain or lose coins depending on how your energy is controlled when being around others.
How do you know if you are an introvert?
I didn’t know I was an introvert until fairly recently. I actually thought I was a weird child, an awkward teenager, a boring young adult, and an unsociable older adult.
I grew up with my head buried in books, my friends were my family, and I didn’t enjoy parties.
Over the past 12 years I have pretty much dedicated my life to studying “the mind” and marketing/branding. When others meet up for cups of tea with big groups of friends, I decline politely. I’d much rather spend my time alone, educating myself via books, YouTube videos and Spotify podcasts.
I have invested heavily in personal development, but have always done so online. Meeting face-to-face at large loud conferences is not my thing.
Without knowing it, my introverted superpowers were working overtime.
A few years ago I found a name for myself. I was not weird, stuck-up, and nothing was wrong with me. I was like 30-50% of the rest of the population.
I was an introvert.
And what is more, being an introvert is apparently perfectly normal!
Despite the fact that the education system from an early age pushes you to be an extrovert and rewards those outgoing team players, being an introvert is actually a blessing in disguise.
I actually feel like there is an introvert revolution happening. Slowly but surely, people are beginning the power of solitude. Being happy enough to be on one’s own, without stimulation and people, is healthy.
And embracing your introversion is a form of self care.
What does it mean to be an Introvert?
As mentioned earlier, an introvert is someone who is drained by social interaction. An introvert gains energy through being alone, and through quiet contemplation,
Whether you are an introvert or extrovert, you were probably born that way. Whether you are a confident or shy introvert or extrovert will depend on how you were supported as a child.
If you are an introvert who was constantly told to speak up and be more engaged, forced to socialise with others when you didn’t want to, called “weird” or “an oddball”, or even bullied, then you may have developed anxiety around your introvertness.
If you were nurtured and encouraged by your parents, friends, family and teachers then you are probably more confident in your introvertness.
The good news is, some of the most successful people in the world are introverts. They live the richest and deepest lives, run the best businesses, have the strongest relationships and are genuinely happy in their own skin.
Another thing to remember is that not all introverts are the same. One study found that there are four types of introverts: social introverts, thinking introverts, anxious introverts and restrained introverts.
Some introverts only need a little bit of alone time to recharge, and can handle being sociable for a fair amount of time before needing to go back to their cave and recharge. Others drain fast, and need long periods of alone time to recharge.
It is different for every introvert.
What I can guarantee is that every introvert will experience the dreaded “introvert hangover”. This may manifest itself in being completely wiped out and needing to hibernate for a few days longer than normal, or far worse it could show up as burnout and complete exhaustion. This results in needing time off of work for extended periods of time, or even your body and brain shutting down.
What Characteristics Do Most Introverts Share?
While it’s true that every introvert is different, there are characteristics that we all share.
Introvert characteristics are, in fact, superpowers.
The ability to listen.
And I mean deeply listen.
Not the superficial listening to someone whilst thinking about what you are going to say back. I’m talking about deeply hearing and understanding what the other person is saying.
This makes an introvert a great confidant and friend. It also makes them a great consultant, advisor or coach, because they understand before advising. The ability to process information internally without the need to speak and be heard themselves means they can provide incredible insight.
Which leads to the next superpower.
They think before they speak.
Introverts are more likely to choose their words carefully and formulate their thoughts before they open their mouths. Whilst this does have a disadvantage in large meetings where there is a fast paced discussion and brainstorm happening, it has a strong advantage in a 1:1 environment where a real transformation needs to happen in a discussion.
And despite the nerves that occur when showing up on social media, introverts are more effective on social media as they are less prone to knee jerk reactions. Thinking before typing is a superpower we must embrace. The fact that we do not post random thoughts and respond to others with throwaway comments enables us to write and contribute in a meaningful way. Social media gives us the advantage we lacked in the boardroom.
We are observant
In addition to being a strong listener, introverts are also highly observant. We notice what extroverts miss. Extroverts process their thoughts outwardly and miss the subtle nuances cues that their fellow peers share. Although it may look like we introverts are unengaged in a meeting, we are actually soaking up the information that’s being shared, processing it and resolving issues inwardly before speaking.
An introvert is also more likely to read body language and facial expressions. The VAK learning model is a great way to explain this. VAK stands for Visual, Auditory and Kinesthetic – which are our three main sensory receivers.
People use all three methods to process information, and most people have a preference for one way to learn. However, introverts can listen, watch and process information with greater ease than extroverts.
Visual learning involves the use of seen or observed things, including pictures, diagrams, demonstrations, displays, handouts, flip charts, and more.
Auditory learning involves the transfer of information through listening to the spoken word.
Kinesthetic learning involves physical experience – touching feeling, holding, doing, practical hands on experience.
Once I understood the VAK model, I was able to understand why I love to put my thoughts around an image first to get the big picture from my head and out into the world. From there, I am able to create the words to describe the model after.
I also learn by drawing as someone speaks, and taking notes.
If you are an auditory learner you may be a good speaker, or specialise in law or accounting.
If you are a visual learner you may be a good writer, journalist or graphic designer.
And if you’re a kinesthetic learner then you are likely to be in a more physical or hands-on job, such as a sportsman or a skilled worker.
As mentioned previously, having a deep understanding of WHO you are enables you to see WHY you act in the way you do.
I score high on Visual and Auditory learning, which explains why I am drawn to speaking and writing books. You will never catch me in team sports or getting my hands dirty!
We build Quality Relationships
As an “innie” we get drained from being around other people, which means we need to choose our friends wisely. Our focus is on quality over quantity. We are pretty picky over who we bring into our lives.
We rarely have a huge network of friends and don’t hang out in large groups or party all weekend.
The same goes for relationships in the business world. I will get into how introverts can harness their business superpowers at a later stage, but I do want to briefly touch on how one-to-one interaction with peers, prospects and clients enable us to do our best work and bring the most energy to the relationships.
The fact that we are about quality deep relationships, means that we are loyal, attentive and committed business owners who care deeply about the person they are supporting.
Are Introverts Shy?
Some are, and some aren’t. This is the most commonly misunderstood part of being an introvert.
Being shy and being an introvert are two different traits. They sometimes overlap, but not always.
Being shy means you are nervous and self conscious in social situations. Both introverts and extroverts can have this trait — not all natural-born extroverts run around chatting with strangers!
Being introverted means that socialising wears you out. You might not be nervous or shy at all. You can be a very confident introvert.
If you’re an introvert who enjoys socialising, you may even misidentify yourself as an ambivert, which as I established, doesn’t really exist; it’s simply a term that arose from the incorrect idea that all introverts are shy.
Let’s dispel some misconceptions about introverts
We are not stuck up.
We don’t think that we’re better than extroverts. We simply are who we are. We want meaningful relationships and friendships. The fact that we’re comfortable in our own company often makes others uncomfortable. We like to mind our own business, which may mean that we come across as aloof or unfriendly to others, but this isn’t true. We just need quiet and alone time, and this may frustrate others who feel snubbed when we don’t want to come to their party.
We don’t hate people.
Just because we don’t always excel at making small talk doesn’t mean that we are not interested in what you have to say. Nor does it mean we’re not listening, as long as what you are saying is meaningful. We just don’t do fluff, and we want to discuss meaningful and relevant topics. It doesn’t mean we hate you, we just need to use our coins wisely.
We are not rude.
If we are at the stage in the day where we have run out of energy coins, then we may zone out, or need to remove ourselves from an overstimulating situation. Even when I’m with my family, I often end up in a different room at some point in the day, craving solitude and five minutes of peace to gain a coin back. After a little alone time, I can be around other people and actually engage again. Introverts aren’t rude; we’re just able to be more friendly if you give us alone time.
We do not need to be fixed
Accept us for who we are and we become a strong ally and friend who will always be there to listen to and support you.
Push us to be more extroverted and we will retreat into our cave and not want to be around you. It’s just not who we are.
We do NOT want to become extroverts
Sure, sometimes we wish we could go out in the evening without wanting to leave the moment we get there, but in all honesty we LOVE being home alone, snuggling down on the sofa with a good book or a good film and switching off the outside world. We do not want to be in the noisy, outside world. We crave peace and quiet.
How Do You Know Deep Down If You Are An Introvert?
It wasn’t until I started exploring the world wide web and reading books on the subject that I started to realise that I was a “thing”. Not a weird thing. Not a stuck up thing. Not an unsociable thing. But an introvert thing nonetheless. I was an opposite thing to most of my peers.
My thingness:
- My inner voice never stops
- I enjoy spending time in my cave more than being with other people
- I do my best thinking when I’m alone
- I feel alone and an outsider around many people. If I’m around more than three other people, I shut down and my energy is gone
- I hate networking face-to-face with people and forget to breathe when amongst my peers at a conference or networking event.
- I hate being the centre of attention. Do not confuse this with sharing my passion from a stage because I love being a speaker. I actually thought that this made me an extrovert, but what I love is sharing my knowledge, not receiving a lot of attention. In social situations, I hate it when all eyes are on me.
- I am better at writing my thoughts than speaking them. They make so much more sense when I process from mind to paper, than from mind to mouth.
- I hate small talk and avoid eye contact when out and about incase people see it as an invitation to talk to me
- I say yes to social events and long to catch a cold or have a headache so that I don’t have to go.
- I have to have alone time to feel better. Even having my family around me all the time is exhausting.
- I like to watch people but hate to talk to people.
- I feel like an old soul with a (not so) young body
And this is what makes me a true-to-form introvert.
Can An Introvert Become An Extrovert?
Simple answer is no.
And anyway, why would we want to?
We have superpowers that extroverts can only dream of.
Yes they might get more thrills in life, they might have a huge network of friends, they might be seen as a happier group of people. Do we want that?
No.
We are very happy alone in our room, writing, drawing and coming up with the next big idea.
Ideas like taking an electric car into space and inventing Tesla. (Thank you fellow innie Elon Musk)
Or becoming one of the richest people in the world and a highly respected leader. (Congratulations Warren Buffet, you inspire us).
We have been given a gift
Despite the fact that we often grow up feeling like an outsider, and the noisy world around us is going to leave us behind…
Being an introvert is a gift we should embrace and be proud of.
The world needs people like us.
- Thinkers
- Listeners
- Creators of meaningful relationships
- Innovators and problem solvers
- Thoughtful and calming
- Sources of quiet wisdom in a noisy world
There are many famous introverts, including actors and politicians. There are introverted CEOs, popstars, authors and engineers.
They are the pioneers and leaders that we look up to now.
We can be the leader too, and create meaningful businesses with meaningful relationships making a big impact upon the world.
We might turn down the social invites. We might only have a few friends. We might spend our weekends curled up with a good book.
But if we embrace our introversion, trust our introversion, and learn to ignore outside pressures, we can make the right decisions and be very happy in our world.